Monday, January 30, 2006

So I often wonder if the things that I believe in and the things that I am doing come across in my daily life. I want to be a good person and I think it's so easy to fail at that.

There's a person in my past that spent a lot of time reminding me of all the things I did wrong and not a lot of time helping me to be a better person. Since then, I've often wondered if they're right.

It's been really hard this past year trying to find good in people and in life and remembering that things aren't always as bad as they've been. It's been especially difficult to find a balance. I really do hate life here, in Milwaukee, doing mindless things and taking care of my mother. However, it is what it is and I have to live it no matter what. A lot of times I'm upset or angry or frustrated and I have to remind myself that things won't always be like this.

At the same time, I've learned a lot this year and I'm forever grateful for some of the changes that have occured because of the events of this year.

My friends reminded me this weekend why being here isn't so bad and why, after years and space and lots of trouble and hard times, they're still my friends. I miss my New Orleans friends desperately. I miss being able to sit around and do nothing and have the best time. Sometimes I wonder if Loyola was the right spot for me, but in the end, I'd do it all again if only to have met my best friend, Christine. She's the craziest, most ridiculous person I've ever met. She also happens to be the most caring, understanding, helpful and thoughtful person I've ever met. Rare that you find both in one person. She was there for me when my dad got sick, even when my boyfriend at the time wasn't. She drops whatever she's doing when I need a friend and I'm so lucky to have someone like that. Even though she's 1641.78 miles away.

It's so rare to find people like that, that you know will be your friend forever, through everything. She sent me a recommendation for the JVC and it's the nicest things anyone has ever said about me. And it shows me that the things I want to come across about myself do translate and others can see them.

And maybe I'm not that horrible person. Maybe life sucks and I'm not always positive and I'm really defensive and I don't know how to handle my mother and I complain about her a lot. But maybe, just maybe, I'm also the person who moved home to take care of a family, who puts everyone else's feelings before hers and who sincerely wants to make those who are important to her happy. Maybe I can be a bitch and that's not really all that bad. Because I've never, ever done anything to deliberately hurt someone. I forgive.

Maybe I don't have a clue what to do with myself or my life and maybe that's not the most horrible thing in the world. Because no matter what I do I have some fabulous people in my life who will support me no matter what, and it doesn't get much better than that.


Anonymous said...

You are a fantastic person. Don't ever forget that. You have one of the biggest hearts... Life is never as bad as it seems. It never has been, never will be. Life takes you on journeys unforeseen. Anger, frustration are parts of it. Don't fret. Take it for what it is and move on. You are a good person and good things happen to good people.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It does kill me that i wasn't there for you. But you have better people than me in your life. You don't need me. You're a strong person.

I'm sorry.

Todd Jones said...

you must be a good person to reach out to a total stranger like you have.

Nicole said...

What can I say. I'm good.