Sunday, April 23, 2006

So I was talking to a friend the other night and we were discussing how other people view us. Well, we were talking about how people view him. And it got me to pondering about how people view me. And I guess I don't mean people in general, but more specifically my friends.

This led to me thinking about how I want people to view me and I'm not really sure what the answer to that is.

I feel like consciously thinking about something like that is pretty self-absorbed. I also know that the more I think about it, the more self-conscious I will be. I know that I let what others think play way too big a role in my decision making process already and I fight with myself, basically daily, to not let that happen so much. I mean, this has been going on long enough that I'm really only sure about one thing anymore:

The most important thing in life is for me to be happy with me.
And I'm definitely not there yet. But I'd rather spend my time working toward this goal than trying to make everyone else happy.

I can't please everyone. I can't even please a majority of the people. In my last relationship I spent a lot of time being told what was wrong with me. and thereby a lot of time trying to "fix me." My ex got mad at me for things I didn't even realize I was doing. It's entirely more difficult and exhausting than you'd think to change something you do subconsciously.

I don't want for this be a really long existential post. Mostly it's just pensive. I wonder how people view me. Actually, I think I'd be scared to hear how people view me. I'm fairly sure that with the exception of my close friends, I don't come off as I mean to. There's a lot of defense mechanisms and learned protection that you have to dig through before I'm really comfortable. Though not to the extent that I once did, I still do believe that people can only hurt you if you let them. If you don't open up, you don't open yourself up to being vulnerable. The worst part about that belief is that it's a learned one. No one's that wary without having been taught by their experiences to be that way.

Can you really change the way that people close to you view you?

And lastly, should I care? Should it matter how I come off to other people?



Wow, were you drunk when you wrote this?

Just kidding, I love to antagonize you. I think you have to reach a point in your life where you just don't give a damn what other people think. You grow friendly mutton chops and those that really make fun of you are not your friends anyway. Mostly if you have to pretend to be someone for a person, are they really who you want to hang out with anyway? All I know is that you have to figure out who you are and then just be that person. All of this is starting to sound like pseudo-psycho babble, but I don't think you will ever be happy if you have to pretend to be something you are not. How they view you is on them, not on you. You have to be you, and they have to deal with it. Their are plenty of people who will let you be who you are.

Next time don't drink by yourself in front of computer until 1:15 in the morning and these things won't come up.

Nicole said...

I wasn't drunk! Mutton chops make you mean!

Actually, I just tend to get more pensive the later it gets. Something about working on newspapers at 3 in the morning does that to you.

I agree with you and I don't think that I pretend to be something I'm not and I absolutely agree that if people don't see who I really am, then I don't want to be their friends anyway.

The idea is that I realize that making me happy with me is the most important thing, I just don't know how to achieve that.


Who are you?
Are you happy with that?
If not, what are you not happy with and what do you need to do to change it?
I hate to sound Dr. Philesque(because I hate the man) and I honestly know it is not that simple. I am still working through the first two questions so I may not qualify to be giving advice.

Nicole said...

See, I don't even know if it's required to know who are you.

I think you just need to be content with who you are.