So I was talking to a friend the other night and we were discussing how other people view us. Well, we were talking about how people view him. And it got me to pondering about how people view me. And I guess I don't mean people in general, but more specifically my friends.

This led to me thinking about how I want people to view me and I'm not really sure what the answer to that is.

I feel like consciously thinking about something like that is pretty self-absorbed. I also know that the more I think about it, the more self-conscious I will be. I know that I let what others think play way too big a role in my decision making process already and I fight with myself, basically daily, to not let that happen so much. I mean, this has been going on long enough that I'm really only sure about one thing anymore:

The most important thing in life is for me to be happy with me.
And I'm definitely not there yet. But I'd rather spend my time working toward this goal than trying to make everyone else happy.

I can't please everyone. I can't even please a majority of the people. In my last relationship I spent a lot of time being told what was wrong with me. and thereby a lot of time trying to "fix me." My ex got mad at me for things I didn't even realize I was doing. It's entirely more difficult and exhausting than you'd think to change something you do subconsciously.

I don't want for this be a really long existential post. Mostly it's just pensive. I wonder how people view me. Actually, I think I'd be scared to hear how people view me. I'm fairly sure that with the exception of my close friends, I don't come off as I mean to. There's a lot of defense mechanisms and learned protection that you have to dig through before I'm really comfortable. Though not to the extent that I once did, I still do believe that people can only hurt you if you let them. If you don't open up, you don't open yourself up to being vulnerable. The worst part about that belief is that it's a learned one. No one's that wary without having been taught by their experiences to be that way.

Can you really change the way that people close to you view you?

And lastly, should I care? Should it matter how I come off to other people?