Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Brewers fans like to be made fun of

From Deadspin: Help name the Brewer Baby!

This comedy here is that she redacts the first name in the writing, but it's on the ultrasound pic she included. Smart lady.

My husband and I are expecting our first child, which we found out last week is a boy. Now that we know the gender, our attention has focused on picking a name. My husband is a huge, die-hard Milwaukee Brewers fan. I screwed myself royally by casually mentioning one day that Brewer would be a decent boy's name possibility and now he has locked in on it to the exclusion of all else.

He has paired it with Wynn for the middle name to create Brewer Wynn (Win!) LastName, edited down from his original choice of course - Brewer Wynn Molitor Yount 1982 LastName. I have mixed feelings...I think this is heading down a dangerous Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee) type road that will induce eye rolling from all. Also, the first thing he did with our first sonogram picture, is the attached. (above)

Even if you weren't naming him after a sports team, Brewer is a fucking stupid name. According to the Baby Name Wizard, it belongs squarely in the category of trendy, workman-style names that so many stupid white people are giving their children these days: Porter, Cooper, Ranger, Banker, Magic-User, Taxidermist, and so on. And why Brewer Wynn? The Brewers don't win. If anything, the child should be named Brewer Sheetdebed Jones, or something like that.

If your hubby likes the Brewers so much, and you don't want the kid to grow up getting pinned down in the schoolyard and drooled on, you should name the kid Paul. Or name him Prince and feed him nothing but scrapple and corn dog batter. Don't name him Brewer. He'll end up playing lacrosse and fisting passed out sorority girls. Just last week, I found out a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend named their son Hedges. Fucvking Hedges. And the kid doesn't even have a brother named Benson. It's an epidemic of dipshit white person baby names. Kwinsee Pittsnogle weeps for the future.

However, if you insist on having one of those "standout" names for your kid, you can surely do better than Brewer. Commenters, help poor Liz NAME THIS BREWER BABY.

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