Giants tell Eli they don't trust him, hire him a nanny

After having a very large mouth and declaring how utterly fabulous and important he was during the 2004 draft, baby Manning has failed to deliver. Standing in the shadow of his daddy, Eli and Archie wrote a nice fat check that Eli's behind has been unable to cash.

Deciding he was past the age of changing diapers, Tom Coughlin hired Chris Palmer to take over the job of holding Eli's hand.

"I look forward to feeding, burping and otherwise mothering Eli," said Palmer. "I have experience in such matters, having worked with Tim Couch in the past."

Upon hearing the news Eli only had one thing to say: "I want my daddy."

Palmer said that Eli's days will be much like any other kindergartener. He will have to learn to read, write and play catch. The advanced curriculum will include learning how not to talk about people, not to be envious of what your brother has and learning how to be "the baby" of the family, though Palmer thinks that last thing is something they won't have to spend much time on.

Palmer will also be in charge of Eli's diet, to which he said he plans to add a of lot fiber. "Eli's so inconsistent in everything he does, I think the only recourse is to get him regular. Then we'll build from there."

Finally, Palmer said that much of Eli's day will be devoted to teaching Eli how to play well with others. "Clearly this is a fundamental problem. Many young children have a hard time understanding that they aren't the only person that they need to worry about."